♥ The Sozo-fied Child ♥

Monday, May 29, 2006 ♥

just returned from school right now. took my 'o' levels chinese papers today. paper one was quite an easy paper. but i've got no idea why my mind wasnt really working as well in the morning. so i actually couldnt think of better ideas for both sections. and i didnt have enough time. then when time was up and the invigilators were collecting the papers, i was suddenly reminded that i didnt write my question no. for section 2. so quickly, i scribbled Q5 on top, though not at the right spacing. ok, so after the collection of papers when sheena and i were talking, THEN i remembered that i didnt write in my question no. for my first section too! oh no, now all my marks for contents went down the drain. silly me... why didnt i recall that i missed out question no.s of BOTH sections in the first place..? usually i'd be very careful with things like that. but today, i wonder why.

all because of my first paper, i didnt put in my best for paper 2 like when i did for my 'n' levels. cuz i knew MT could still be retested! hehes. =) alright, forget abt this. my hols have officially started! though i still have to attend extra lessons during the first 2-3 weeks, it's ok la. at least there isnt stress. gonna have lots of rest, then, fun! =D

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006 ♥

hmm, sad... but there's still something to be happy abt la. thought that i would do SO badly for my mid-years. but i actually didnt do AS BAD AS i thought i would! hees. *all glory be to DADDY and his unearned favor upon me* LoveHim! =D how unexpected.
`failed badly only for maths, like only 30/80 for p1 and 30/100 for p2. lols.
`humans was 6 marks to a pass
`english, MT and science were border line passes
`accounts was my proudest of all! 85/100 =))

am so satisfied! =D but this is just mid-years, so of course i can still afford to be satisfied la. it'll definitely be a different story for my 'o's. so better get a tutor soon! erm... ppl, any recommendations for a chem`bio-cum-maths tutor to save me..? thanks.

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Monday, May 22, 2006 ♥

not going to attend school today. it's 7 o'clock in the morning now and i know i cant get back to slp again. so much thoughts in my mind that they're suffocating me.

he called again last night and i learnt from him that beng's got a new girlfriend again. and i seriously hope that he's in for real this time round, no more playing out with girls. he's old enough to go into a stable, serious relationship now. *wish him well* and also, jasmine's moving out of seng kang real soon. i cant imagine her staying right at woodlands. and all of a sudden, i felt like im really left alone now.

no one seems to bother abt those memories we had in the past. perhaps only 'him', and myself? all had left. and certainly for good. they have their own new lifestyle to lead now. beng, jasmine, liping, farliana, laiqing, jasper, ah da and ppl like joey, baowen ah teck, yunghao, wei sin and the others. yup, who am i to judge when i myself left 3 years ago too? but at least i always have the intention to return all this while.

ok, right from the beginning... when i entered into the seng kang circle, we hanged out at 303. all were our own ppl, old and original. beng, joey, bing kwang, ah loon ++ and all the younger batch like jasper, jasmine, cinta, laiqing, ah da and of course, myself. then when we joined 260, i left church. then we got to know those original 260 ppl as well. leslie, ah teck, wei sin, gina, evelyn, ah jay, serene and all. there was so much trouble over there, but we were all happy. we hung around there often but some of the times, we'd still go over to 303 and 314. and i had so much freedom. i used to openly like beng even after we broke off. i dont have to hide, everybody knew. now, i even have to repress those feelings i have for the someone. it's so different.

though many unhappy incidents took place at 260, i was still glad to stay on there. it seems to be my 2nd home. in fact, i spent more time there than staying at home some of those days. then when the most serious trouble came when i heard that someone was killed somewhere around there, police were all around. to avoid more trouble, we left for 303 again. but this time round, we had the 260 ppl with us. most were harmonious and happy. i can still recall those nights when we climbed through the gates of nan chiau high to get drinks. lols. we really had lots of fun together. then went on to 117 and not all returned to 260. well, of course i went back too. but many of my good friends were gone. jasmine, liping, farliana and some others, they stayed on at 117. so we some-sort-of 'parted our ways' la. and i joined the 'new' seng kang sec ppl. they were nice too. all serene's friends.

now that things have to turn around so differently, i feel so strange. i used to see jasmine and the others right at 303 or that we dont even have to ask if any of us were going to any of the bball courts, it was just like a daily routine. contrary to the past, she'll even be out of here soon. and it's really sad to learn that most of my 'old friends' have changed. really changed. i used to think that i could return to the old life easily, just that it's still not time yet. now i know, i cant. the feeling is so different. when we had a choice and COULD CHOOSE not to go back to the past, we'd be happier thinking we had that choice. but when we dont, we'd long to go back and even wished that we had nv left. it's difficult to accept the fact that the places that once 'belonged' to us had been taken over by others already. and it's also hard to let go of the past and tell myself that all should really be left as memories already.

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Monday, May 15, 2006 ♥

took both my maths and accounts paper 2s today. maths' a sure gone-case for me. high possibility that i could just get a single-digit mark for it. didnt touch on a single thing for maths for the past few days, so it was expected. no disappointment. ^^ after that was my accounts paper. i thought i would do quite well, though not as good as i had expected. probably an A2? it has always been my strongest subject, so naturally, i have my own standard of expectation to maintain. but just shortly after the collection of papers, i realized that i had made a mistake. though a small mistake it may be, the rest of the answers are all affected! and it wasnt because i didnt know the steps. if that was the case, i'd have positively accepted it. but it was just because of a silly PARALLEX error that made me lose those marks! should've checked my answers clearly before handing them in.

after dismissal, i made my way home with sheena. it was only recently that i realized that her words can command such a great deal of laughter. LOLs! she's able of making a joke out of almost everything she sees, at times, when she comments abt them. first thing, abt my 'wallet' last saturday at her house, and my PARALLEX error after the accounts paper, then came the remark abt an ah pek's hair we saw on our way home! i certainly laughed my brains out. the way she comments abt things can be so amusing. lols.

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006 ♥

had a lengthy prayer last night, a conversation with my Daddy. had certainly let out everything weighing so heavily on my mind in recent. it works! was feeling so low during the past few days. yea, because of my exams and some personal matters. was on the verge of breaking down... really strained, though i dont look like when im in school. exceptions are that when i really cant take it, else, i dont usually show bad feelings when im with my friends. lest, spoiling everyone's moods. but surface facts dont actually tell the truth.

anyway, took my maths paper this morning. i guess i didnt do well too. but at least i tried. could actually do some of the sums with those methods i revised through last night. and im contented. what can last min revisions ensure? this is satisfactory already. but i aint complacent abt it alright. will still work hard for the remaining subjects. ^^

hmm... it's gonna be thursday tmr, the last day of school for this week. it's a holiday on friday. that's good. another weekend has come and i can enjoy. waiting for friday to come. there'll be a family outing at the beach! it's been a long time since i last "picnic-ed" out with my cousins. and what approaches next? sunday service, of course! im on the edge of my seat. =D

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Monday, May 08, 2006 ♥

no no no. wonder why things have been going so wrong for me these days. first thing, my exams. for the past few papers, i've been giving up when im not even half-way through. today's ss paper was the worst of all. all because of my stupid handwriting, my mood was thoroughly spoilt. then began writing nonsensical stuff down. yea, i knew where my mistakes were. but without the kind of 'mood', i really didnt feel like correcting them. so went on writing. when others were busy trying to finish up, i had ample time to rest. seem to take it very easy, but felt so discouraged inside. even tmr's chem paper, i can predict what the result would be. a straight f9. how disheartening.

it's the first time in these 3 years that i slacked so much. to the extend that i cant even be bothered to put in effort to revise or even complete everything during exams. didnt want it this way, but i seriously cant help it. really not in the mood. though impossible, how much i hope time can reverse. i would definitely put in all my effort and focus on my studies right then.

cant decide if i should still study for the other subjects. i want to score, who doesnt... but what's the point when the first few papers are all thrashed up. felt something missing inside me. yet couldn't tell what that is. it's certainly eating into me, making me lose all my mood. it's so seldom that i feel this way. terrible feeling. ='(

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Thursday, May 04, 2006 ♥

omg. i guess i've ruined my chances to score for my languages papers today. first paper in the morning was english paper 2. didnt have enough time to complete everything. i was only HALFWAY through my summary when time was almost up. so decided to just leave it anyway. hate to rush till the last minute then hand in everything with heart not prepared to leave the room. oh my, and i even forgot to check my paper before time was really up! "pens down", i heard, only then i began flipping through the answer booklet. oh gosh... i saw a few answers not in complete sentences just because i forgot to fill in those words again after removing them with the liquid! --" absurd. so marks for those questions just vanished like that.

ok, so it was chinese paper 2 after that. then, the problem was with the SUN! all because of the weather and my insomnia last night that got me into a REALLY sleepy mood. i did everything soOo slowly throughout. just cant concentrate well. decided that since we won't be banded for chinese, it doesnt really matter if i do that well or not. so simply wrote in any answers i find more possible without thinking much. just wanted to finish it asap so that i'll have time to just rest awhile. but then again, because my speed was really slow, i realized that i had only 10 more mins to go when i hadn't even finished the last few questions. forget it then. simply packed up my things and dozed off on the desk. was just too sleepy.

thank god that this is just mid-year, not some major exams. else, i'm done for.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006 ♥

last night HE called me. just like before, his voice seemed so tender. even if i dont have his no. stored in my phone, i would have known it was him. was so startled when he called. didnt expect to be him, thought it would be jasmine. he asked me if i still hated him. it's wierd, so wierd... i thought i hated him. i seriously thought i did. but i said NO, no more hatred. and really didnt expect myself to speak to him so nicely. i could have just use sarcasm on him, but i didnt.

instead, what i felt was like... my old friend, just an old friend, calling me. recollected memories. from the very first time we met when he 'saved' me, to our final breakup. and he said that those were all well-kept in his heart. frankly speaking, the most memories i had, was with him, good and bad. he was my bf, my 'head', my mentol and even a teacher to me. he taught me everything. from stepping out of my phobia to smoking and fighting. also through him, i saw lots of things i never knew. and again because of him, i suffered the most pressurized relationship i ever had, and my worst humiliation. my history was all related to him, and my life, so changed because of him. so am i supposed to hate him?

well, he denied starting those rumors. truthfully, i wasnt really convinced. but i couldnt really be bothered to think abt it anymore cuz it was all in the past already. didnt want to think that much for fear that when those memories come back, feelings come back as well. how hard it was for me to put beng behind, i cant afford to feel for him again. anyway, he asked for me to return to him. i told him it's impossible. yea, i know it's definitely impossible, so didnt want to give false hopes. i want to start life afresh, and possibly, with my old friends inside. yes, i miss those memories, but it also daunts me to think abt them again.

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Monday, May 01, 2006 ♥

finally my exams are coming, getting me into my 'study mood' in no time. decided to stay in the whole day cuz it's my first paper tmr. haven't had the time to do any revision for the past few days, so really have to get started today. full of distractions in my mind and certainly not in the mood, but no choice, i seriously dont want to flunk it. for the whole afternoon, i have been busy memorizing both my modal essays. it was frustrating! while having to get those sentences into my brain, things and people come in as well. --" and it ended up making me pondering over irrelevant matters. irritating! ok, so i spent like 4 hours on just two essays. what abt the other subjects... idiotic. my revision schedule got messed up. ok, forget it. relax for now. things will always go right when the time comes. shall leave all the undone necessary revisions to tmr before my papers. not going to feel stressed out anyway. =)

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