Once again, e smiles and casual talks were there. To prevent a quarrel, to prevent his impatience.
However, I still managed to talk to him abt yest. And guess what. He said he knew abt my tears all along. My nxt question, "Then dont you even care?" Silence.
High tension on our way hm when I shot him e question: "What will your first feeling be if I were to initiate a breakup?" I wasnt trying to threaten him into treating me better. I really really wanted to knw. Was it a anger, was it sadness, was it a sudden not-used-to-it, or was it even oh-what-a-pity-we're-done-so-soon ? Once again, I didnt get an ans. He didnt even want to think abt it and ans me.
Then back his place, his sudden embrace which I didnt manage to hold my tears back again. Dried my tears for me, but it kept flowing. And guess what, I think I teared more than 2hrs, even after my shower. Trust me, I was constantly trying to stop but just couldnt.
And guess what again, tt was what he told me: "Darling can you just stop crying." Such a loser I am. Just what am I to him.
But I've got things to tell him. And tt's when I experience e feeling of having to swallow words down once they rose to e throat then lips. It's so miserable. And tt happened for e 2 whole hrs while I kept trying to muster my courage. I didnt knw how to broach e subject.
"Could you give me some time to think it over and make a decision all over again? Or you could also choose to let go and not wait." "What you mean by you need time?" "You knw what Im talking abt." "So you're initiating a breakup?" "No, I just need some time to think it over. I really dont knw whether I've made a right choice choosing you."
Then it goes on and on. Everything out of my chest. Until eventually he gave in and putting me into his arms, apologised, assured me he's gonna give me more of his concern.
But it wasnt his apology I wanted to hear. Nor his assurance which I still couldnt bring myself to trust. I still think I needed time alone. I still am afraid of him. Of his impatience. Of what he's really thinking in his heart. It's too deep I cant fathom. My heart softened anyway. I gave in anyway. Though tt wasnt what I wanted. If only I was more firm.
How I miss those times when he's all tt sweet to me. When Sam was what I addressed him to be, like everyone else. When friendship was all tt existed between us, at least on my part.
